


To Know Jian Wilima

by Tassledown



Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, The Song of the Lioness - Tamora Pierce, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Break Up, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 16:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2475143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tassledown/pseuds/Tassledown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alanna has never felt attracted to a woman before, but most of the ones she met she knew were looking for noble husbands, not women in men's clothing. Thayet is a disgraced princess who's good with a bow and good company on a rough journey to the Roof of the World - and not afraid of her magic. She likes Thayet as a person, as a companion, and maybe something more, but she's already with Liam. Would Thayet really be the better choice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Know Jian Wilima

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lilith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilith/gifts).



> (I realized after I got this idea that my local library did not have the book in for me to borrow and my copy is in storage, so some parts are not what I'd hoped for. I had my sister take photos of the most important pages to work from, but my sincere apologies if things seem off. I did my best.)

Alanna knew she'd seen some beautiful women before in her life – court was a place everyone dressed to best advantage after all – but none of them had caught her eye like Thayet. She watched her after their introduction from the corner of her eye, trying to figure out the difference. Was it the lack of court trappings? It seemed most likely that it was because she looked more approachable, wearing clothes like she had on herself, and handling Buri's crossbow.   
Her being breath-taking to look at didn't hurt, either. Alanna smiled at her and thanked her quietly and then gratefully added “I, too, suffer from old family servants” because Coram describing her family lineage to her was too embarrassing to even think about.   
It wasn't her last embarrassment. Within a day she found herself in care of the infant and feeling like she was all thumbs, to the point she gave up as best she could to focus on something she was more competent at: acquiring food.   
Even at the cost of discomforting Liam again. Her magic took enough of a toll on her body, she passed out before she saw more of his fear of her after she trapped the bandits during their raid.  
She woke up to Thayet sitting nearby with the baby in her lap, talking to the boy and holding things up for him to see. She paused as she noticed Alanna sitting up and held a waterskin up.  
“Can you drink on your own?” she asked.  
Alanna squinted at it and tried to reach for the skin. Her hand fumbled at air and Thayet shook her head and put it down long enough to move the baby to a blanket laid off to one side before uncorking the skin and holding it close to her lips.  
“Here, drink.”  
Alanna took hold of her hand to lift her head enough to drink. She sighed with relief and dropped back after, keeping her hand on Thayet's until she moved away to cork the waterskin again.  
“Did everyone get away alright?” Alanna asked. “I passed out before we got back to camp.”  
“They did, and nobody's found us yet. Everyone's fine.”  
Alanna felt a pinch. “How's Liam?”  
Thayet gave her a slightly cross look, although Alanna wasn't sure why. “He's been making sure the bandits don't find us, and hasn't spent long in the camp.” Her face softened a little. “We're all doing better for the rations, though. I don't think his bad mood is worth worrying about.”  
Alanna nodded in agreement. She wasn't sorry she'd used her magic; just that she couldn't use it and have him at the same time. She was regretful for a moment he hadn't been there when she woke up, but at least it'd been someone other than Coram.  
Thayet relaxed at her nod. “Good.”  
“What?” Alanna asked.  
“I was worried you'd be more upset than you are.”  
“I knew when I used it that he wasn't going to be comfortable with me afterwards.” Alanna sighed. She considered trying to sit up, tried it and got her shoulder pushed back down. “What?”  
“You need to eat first.” Thayet fought down a smile and held up a bowl for her to see. “It's cold, but it's what I saved for you.”  
Alanna gave her a stubborn look. “I can eat it on my own.”  
Thayet offered her the bowl without even trying to hide her smile. “Be my guest.”  
Alanna took the bowl and had to turn onto her side to eat, but she managed it by herself.   
She recovered from the drain over the next two days, and by the time she was on her feet again Liam had forgiven her enough to restart their morning lessons and, that night, to join her in a shared bedroll again. She was grateful for the warmth; less so for getting on the move again and finding herself with less time to talk to Thayet. Saren was not a comforting place to travel through. She watched Buri and Thayet's reactions to it and realized they wouldn't be of much use in that regard anyways: they were as stiff and uncomfortable as the rest of them. Even Liam's attention waned as their trip became more and more strained. The destruction crept into her dreams until Liam added a night exercise that left her too exhausted to do anything but sleep.   
Trying to talk to Buri about the state of Saren politics did nothing to help her mood; Rachia only underscored that the problems were beyond anything she could do to help. However, the one thing she could do she did without reservations: inviting Thayet and Buri to join them on the trip to the Roof of the World. Thayet's grateful smile left her very sure she'd made the right choice; who wouldn't want Thayet with them on such a trip?  
A few days ride outside Rachia, Alanna was feeling better for soon leaving Sarain behind and a little lonely as Liam took the lead. He knew the area, and he liked leading, but he was still distant and she wasn't happy about that. When Thayet dropped back to ride next to her, Alanna was grateful for the distraction and sent her a happy smile.   
“I'm surprised,” she said. “I thought for sure you'd want to take the lead.”  
“Liam knows the area better than I do.”  
Thayet nodded thoughtfully. “I guess I'm just surprised. The Saren court didn't paint a flattering picture of you when you revealed your gender to the court; I thought you'd be more stubborn.”  
Alanna flushed a little. “I am stubborn, but not when I know someone else is better suited to something than I am.”  
“I know you're learning from him in the mornings; what is he teaching you?”  
“Hand-to-hand fighting, the kind they don't teach in knight training.” Alanna brightened a little. “Would you want to learn?”  
Thayet startled and she dropped her face to brush her hand back over her shoulder. “I thought you'd want to keep that as personal time for you two.”  
Alanna shook her head firmly. “It's not personal; I want to learn from him as a teacher, not because we're...” She stopped, not wanting to talk about it. Thayet seemed unlikely to be sleeping with a man she wasn't married to, and she didn't want Thayet to get uncomfortable around her. “Besides, I'm much too tired to care about anything other than my form. I can ask him for you.”  
“No, Buri's been wanting to but I told her I'd ask you first.”  
“Oh.” Alanna stared at her, then looked away as she felt heat rise in her face. “Thanks.”  
“Of course.” Thayet cleared her throat, then excused herself to ride up next to Buri again. Alanna watched her go with a bit of relief: she hadn't scared her away. She hated to think of spending this time with a Thayet who wouldn't talk to her anymore, and not just because it'd make eating together awkward.  
The further they got from Sarain, the more Thayet opened up about things. Sometimes Buri joined them, and conversations would be on Buri's family as much as Thayet's; sometimes Buri would get up after a look from Thayet and leave them in privacy for no reason Alanna could figure out.  
“Why does she do that?” Alanna asked.  
Thayet turned back to her with a bit of colour in her cheeks. “Do what?” she said, but her tone was more than clear she wasn't really wanting to answer.  
“Leave like that, after you look at her. Are you asking her to go?”  
“Buri doesn't like sitting here when I talk about my father. You know her family died protecting my mother when she killed herself; it just makes her angry all over again to hear it.”  
Alanna shifted to face Thayet more, frowning down at the tack in her hands she was trying to repair before it ripped more. “When she spoke about it before, she seemed to think they did the right thing.”  
“They did the right thing because of the situation my father put them in.” Thayet said simply. “Anyways, she sometimes gets awkward around us because when I talk about family and childhood she remembers I asked her to marry me when we were both teenagers and she can tell I'm looking at you the same way.”  
Alanna jammed the needle into her finger and cursed, pulling it up to put it into her mouth as she stared back. She took it out long enough to say “What?” and then looked for a cloth to wrap it in.   
Thayet sighed and handed her a handkerchief. “Did you not get much experience with that either, being a knight?” she asked lightly.   
“I'm not even sure what exactly 'that' is yet.” She searched her mind for some kind of context, then asked “Is it like being a bardash?” She thought that was the right word, but it was only something she'd heard George talk about in passing, not actually someone she'd met.  
“I don't think I know what that word means,” Thayet frowned. “I like other women. That's really it.”  
“Like, as in for – marriage?” Alanna blinked and blushed a little. “Oh.”   
“Yes.” Thayet laughed softly. “She said she wasn't ready for marriage and she wasn't wanting to marry another woman, herself. I think that was the first time I wished I was born a Jin Wilima.” She shook herself and smiled into distance. “Not that my father would've let me marry a K'miri woman, anyways. It didn't last – I like being a woman. I just wished I could marry her.”  
Alanna checked if her finger had stopped bleeding and looked at Thayet again. She wanted to do something to make her less sad, but she wasn't sure what. Coram would have a heart attack if she went to sit with her like she wanted, but -   
She'd never let what Coram thought stop her before.   
Alanna put the leather she'd been working on aside and moved to sit closer to Thayet. She took her hand lightly and smiled at her. She wanted to see her smile again even if she wasn't sure why.  
“Did you just not think you'd ever love someone as much as you loved her?” Alanna asked.  
Thayet gave her a cautious smile from less than a foot away. “No, I knew I could come to love someone else. She was just the first. I thought we would raise beautiful children together and grow old together and share a bed – but she just wants to grow old together, as friends not lovers.”  
“How do you mean to have kids with her?” Alanna frowned and laughed.  
Thayet giggled back. “I'd need a man for that, yes, but I want them enough I think I can make do. I just don't feel like a man would make me happy with anything else other than children. It wouldn't be the same as what I feel for women.”  
“What do you feel for women?”  
“Do you really want to know?”  
“Yes.” Alanna squeezed her hand and frowned at it, confused and a little scared.   
“I... Buri!” Thayet looked up at her friend with a bright smile and let go of Alanna's hand. Alanna looked up at Buri and got up to hide as her heated with awkwardness and embarrassment. She found Coram and asked to practice sparring with him. Thankfully he didn't ask about her blush, and Alanna didn't volunteer.   
It was another week before they reached the Roof of the World. Once there, the inn closed down under the barrage of a blizzard. There was nothing to do until it blew over, and with no need to go out she found in her bags one of her badly wrinkled dresses. With a call for a maid and their help, she got it into a state she was willing to wear downstairs.   
It was worth it. Thayet gave her applause when she appeared in the common room in the violet silk gown; Buri whistled. Alanna grinned back at her. Coram was pleased, but Liam was sitting on his side of the table with an odd look on his face. Alanna went to stand by him.  
“Well? Don't you like it?”  
“It's well enough.” Liam's eyes stayed distant. “Doesn't seem practical, though.”  
“It isn't supposed to be practical, it's a dress.” Alanna frowned at him. “A dress that feels beautiful when you put it on.” She compared his reaction unfavourably to Thayet's and her frown deepened.  
“Feeling beautiful won't win a fight.”  
“I hardly think I'll be fighting anyone here unless it's you,” she snapped. “Why can't I wear something impractical?”  
“I suppose you'll want earbobs next, and bracelets and other frippery. What comes next? A noble-born husband and court intrigues?”  
“I'm female,” Alanna said. She just grew more unhappy as she saw Thayet and Buri and Coram try to distance themselves from their argument. “Why can't I wear a dress without you deciding I want to give up everything I am? I'm always female, Liam.”  
“Our road is rough and cold and muddy.” Liam's face was still so blank. “Maybe you realize now that a knight-errant's life isn't as glorious as you expected. Maybe this is the Lady Alanna you mean to show your Prince when you go home.”  
Alanna turned and walked out, going back to her room because she couldn't respond to him without bursting into tears or escalating the fight. She slammed into her room and threw herself down on the bed. He wasn't right; he wasn't right about anything! Her dresses had nothing to do with why she questioned her life as a knight-errant, and nothing to do with Jon or a lack of glory. She wished she could go back to where Thayet was beaming at her and clapping and that beautiful look on her face instead of Liam's chill.   
The memory of his face hit again and she tore off the dress and threw it into the corner, followed by her shift and her stockings. She got halfway into her breeches and her shirt when the tears broke.  
“I hate him. I hate him!”   
“You scare him,” Thayet said. She shut the door softly behind her and Alanna forced her heart back out of her throat as it wasn't Liam at the door. She bit her lip and smiled weakly at her. Thayet smiled back and came to sit tentatively next to her to offer her own handkerchief. “He doesn't understand you, and you keep doing something new that doesn't match what he's expecting.”  
“I didn't ask to be something new to him.” Alanna wiped her face with her handkerchief and blew her nose. “I never asked to be anything to him, it just – happened.” She started doing up her clothes, because she felt incredibly under-dressed now next to the princess of Sarain and doing anything that came to mind with her would be out of the question. She was never pretty when she cried.  
Thayet reached over to help do up her shirt with a small smile and Alanna stopped her own efforts to watch her face. Thayet's face started to go red, but she kept talking anyways. “I have the feeling it 'just happened' to Liam too, and that's what frightens him. You both like to be in control of yourself above all things, and you rob him of that.”  
Alanna swallowed. It explained a few things about Liam if she looked at it like that – especially his reaction to her magic. It also reminded her once again that it wasn't going to get better. “What does my wearing a dress have to do with any of this?” she asked instead.   
Thayet stroked a hand over her shoulder and squeezed lightly. “Alanna, when you wore that dress, you looked like what you are – the daughter of a noble house, whose family reaches back to The Book of Gold. Liam is common-born.”  
“If I don't care about that, why should he?”  
“He's proud,” Thayet said simply. She took her handkerchief back from Alanna and dipped it into the water to rinse it before she came back to wipe at her face. Alanna flushed and tried to take the cloth from her but Thayet just laughed. “It's okay. You and I both go red in the face when we cry, don't be ashamed of it.”  
Alanna nodded and hoped her blush wasn't as obvious as it felt. “When – I know I used to care when a suitor was common-born, but Liam's not just a commoner – he's the Shang Dragon. Why should it matter to him?”  
Thayet shook her head. “I don't know.” They both paused as there was a knock at he door and Thayet retreated from touching her as Liam came in.   
“I was just leaving,” Thayet said, and she stood up and followed suit. Alanna watched her go with a pang of loneliness and stood up rather than invite Liam to the bed.   
“You shouldn't have taken the dress off,” Liam said roughly. “You look very pretty in it. I guess sometimes we get used to seeing a person a certain way.”  
It was all the apology she would get. Alanna stared at the door with longing before she turned back to smile tightly at Liam.   
“I like dresses,” she said. “If you come with me to Tortall, you'll see me wearing more of them. Just because I'm a knight doesn't mean I don't like pretty clothes. I've even worn face paint sometimes.” She shook her head as Liam startled. “You know, lip rouge and so on. I'm not ashamed of being female, Liam.”  
Liam walked over to cup her face and stroked her hair back. “I didn't think you were. I never forget you're a woman, Lioness.” He leaned down to kiss her, softly, then passionately.   
Alanna felt the need and the memory of sex with him strongly, but the back of her mind asked, over and over, what it would be like if she'd thought to ask Thayet to stay. She was letting Liam distract her from a conversation they needed to have, but – it was good sex. She wasn't ready to let go, not yet.  
Not just yet.  
Not til she spoke to the Doi and heard the challenge from the mountain, to claim the Dominion Jewel if she dared. Thayet showed no concern that she couldn't do it – maybe she just didn't care enough yet – but Liam tried to stop her.  
She wasn't his kitten anymore.  
Maybe that was why it seemed better to let Faithful spell him asleep than have one more argument. Why him yelling at her once she woke up back at the in and storming out just left her sad and empty and tired until Thayet came in with food and a look at the hallway outside and a smile for her things felt brighter.  
Alanna took a slow breath and sighed. “Did I do the wrong thing, to keep him from stopping me?” she asked, before she could even get in a hello.  
“What did you do?” Thayet asked. “I didn't want to ask him.”  
“I let Faithful put magic on him to keep him asleep.”  
Thayet nodded. “Do you think he'd have stopped you?”  
Alanna clenched one hand. “He would've tried.”   
Thayet reached out to put a hand over hers gently. “I think you were right to not want to fight with him again.”  
Alanna nodded slowly as the thought that it was over, if only she'd admit it, passed through her mind yet again. She opened her hand to take and squeeze Thayet's again before she pulled the jewel from under her pillow and offered it to her. “Thayet, do you want this? For Sarain? It seems as if you need it more than Tortall does right now.” She stopped as Thayet's face went white and she shook her head firmly and pushed her hand away.   
“No female can hold the Saren throne,” Thayet said. She held up her free hand as it to ward it off, her other clenched tight on Alanna's. “The Book of Glass forbids it. Every Saren knows that other, less wise countries have been brought to ruin by female leaders; the K'mir clans do it, but they're already savages.” She shook herself and smiled weakly back at her. “When you revealed your gender in Tortall, the opinion of the Saren court was that you should be burned, although a small group held out for death by torture.”  
Alanna closed her hand slowly on the jewel. “You didn't have to tell me this. A simple no would've sufficed.”  
Thayet's face broke into a grin. “A simple no? You never would've respected me if you thought I'd turn my back on my country like that. You hold duty and honour very highly.” Thayet licked her lips lightly and ran her thumb along the back of Alanna's hand. “You give me hope, Alanna, that women from over-bred noble families like ours are good for more than just ornamentation. Going to Tortall feels something like a dream.”  
“I want you to come to Tortall with me,” Alanna said firmly.  
“With you?” Thayet asked.  
Alanna smiled at her face. “If you still want to be my friend.”  
Thayet glanced away from her face. “I was thinking of opening up a school for girls. I'd live as an anonymous citizen, and that way I can bring in some money.”  
“You don't have to work to have money!” Alanna gaped. “I'd never leave you to manage alone. I'll do everything I can to help; I won't leave you and Buri to manage alone.”  
“I believe you,” Thayet grinned. “You need to eat,” she said and Alanna realized that with her bandaged hands it was going to be impossibly or nearly so and she was grateful all over again it was Thayet in here and not Liam.  
Things stayed light between them, even though Alanna knew there was half a dozen things she wanted to ask her. In part, she was avoiding the feeling of inevitability about the fact that Liam had moved his things out of her room. Thayet was a good distraction.  
She avoided the final talk with Liam until the next day. He was kind about it, assuring her they could just be friends, and Alanna made it to the door of her room before she broke down in tears. She reached her door and hesitated at the thought that, if she went inside, she'd be alone and that was the last thing she wanted right now.   
Thayet's room was not far away down the hall. Alanna knocked and wiped her eyes on her sleeve quickly before Thayet opened the door. She didn't ask why she was crying; she just let her in. Alanna went to sit hesitantly on the end of her bed.  
“It's over,” she said. “With Liam.”  
“I'm sorry,” Thayet said softly.  
“I've known it was coming for a while. It's just... final now.” She wiped at her eyes. “I've never taken well, ending things. I wind up in love with people so easily it's hard to let go.”  
Thayet stayed carefully away from her, her body language kind of stiff.   
“This isn't how I wanted to bring this up with you,” Alanna said gruffly. “I'm not even sure if I'm... right about what I'm feeling, or what I think you're feeling, so if I'm wrong I can go.”  
“I'm not sure you're wrong,” Thayet said. “I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with it coming up like this.”  
Alanna sighed. “I'm sorry.”  
Thayet sighed a little and sat down carefully next to her. She took Alanna's hand in hers and squeezed it gently. “You' don't like being alone, do you?”  
“I'm fine with it.” Alanna didn't try to hide her grumpy tone. “But I know I want – I want to try with you, if that's what you want.”  
“What do you think you want?” Thayet asked. Her fingers were tracing the lines of her hand again and Alanna's skin shivered.  
“I like you. I like you touching me,” Alanna said softly. “I want to kiss you and hold your hand. I've never felt like this for a woman, but I never really knew any women like you.”  
“Like me how?”  
Alanna smiled at her. “You're not already married, or looking for a good noble husband. You're good at what you do, and confident – a good leader. I like people like that.”  
“Like Liam.”  
Alanna shook her head. “I like Liam, and I grew very close to him, but he doesn't... he's not comfortable with me the way you are. He never has been. It was just, well, sex.” She blushed.  
“Have you ever wanted to have sex with a woman?” Thayet asked.  
“I don't think I ever thought about it before.” Alanna swallowed and smiled a little at her. “But I know I like sex, and I like you.”  
Thayet's face turned red and she dropped her eyes. Her hand squeezed Alanna's tightly. “Are you trying to distract yourself from Liam right now?”  
Alanna took a slow breath. “I was, but I can leave if you want. I don't like you because I miss Liam; I'm asking you now because of him. If you'd rather wait...”  
Thayet leaned over and kissed her lightly on the mouth. Alanna stopped talking and kissed her back, keeping it chaste and gentle. Thayet pulled back for a short breath, then kissed her again. It was warmer this time, but still sweet and when Alanna moved to deepen it Thayet faltered a little and pulled back.  
Her face was even more red than before. Alanna swallowed.  
“I didn't mean to push things with you if you're not...”  
“It's okay.” Thayet said quickly. “I just haven't had a partner in a long time.”  
“Okay,” Alanna bit her lip. Thayet leaned over and kissed her again, and Alanna slid her arms around her back. Thayet deepened the kiss and Alanna slid her hand into her hair.  
The door opened. “Thayet, have you seen – oh!” Buri yelped and abruptly shut the door. “Nevermind!” she called and her footsteps hurried away.  
Alanna covered her face in one hand as she laughed. Thayet muffled a curse.   
“Well, we won't be interrupted now,” Thayet grumbled. She stood up and started to undress. Alanna watched her show more of her pale skin until she realized she was staring. She got up with a light cough and started to undress as well. Thayet turned to check on her and smiled.  
“Will Buri make sure Coram doesn't come up here?”  
“She'd better,” Thayet said.  
Alanna grinned. “Good.”


End file.
